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Here
are the FACTS
Fact
#1:
Vitter is better than us
Vitter has the unique power to preach to the rest of us about
leading a righteous life while simultaneously living his own life on
a different and more shameful path. He also has a Reagan-esque Teflon
coating that has allowed him to survive both the DC Madam scandal and
news of a relationship with a prostitute in New Orleans by simply brushing
it off generically as “a serious sin in my past” and hiding
underground. In a campaign where every candidate to date has invoked
the ghost of Ronald Reagan, Vitter is the lone individual who has the
only Reagan quality that matters: The Cloak of Invulnerability. He easily
breezed through the apparent suicide of Deborah Jeane Palfrey (the DC
Madam) without any hint from conspiracy theorists of something fishy.
Perhaps they are still too fixated on the 1993 death of Vince Foster
to notice. Or perhaps Vitter is just that much better than the rest
of us.
Fact
#2:
Vitter is no Cheney
Vitter as Vice President will be nothing like Dick Cheney. He won't
be sequestered in some undisclosed location
doing the business of the nation. He will call a press conference and
tell the media what a great job he is doing. Vitter has also not demonstrated
that he is either as smart or competent as Dick Cheney, who has changed
the office of VP to become a very influential and dangerous member of
the executive branch. Vitter would probably return the office of Vice
President to a decorative position, shades of Dan Quayle and Spiro Agnew.
Given McCain’s interest in getting away from the long shadow of
the Bush-Cheney legacy, this would be a step in the right direction.
Fact
#3:
Vitter is not under indictment
Sure, it is known that Vitter solicited a prostitute, but the alleged
offense(s) happened long enough ago that the statues of limitations
have run out. No liability there!
Fact
#4:
Vitter is efficient
Wendy Yow, the prostitute who alleges a four month sexual relationship
with Vitter ($300 per encounter), revealed in a lie detector test that
Vitter was a pretty efficient John. She said, “He was a very clean
man. He came in, took a shower, did his business and would leave.”
We definitely need more efficiency at the highest levels in Washington
DC. Vitter clearly is the man.
Fact
#5:
Vitter needs redemption
When you are extremely ambitious but have been publicly shamed,
you should work very, very hard to redeem your name. This means that
Vitter should be a hard worker.
Fact
#6:
Vitter has always aspired to be president of the US
Based on Jindal’s repeated denials that he has discussed
the Vice President job with McCain, Vitter definitely wants the job
more than Jindal. There is no better redemption than being one heart
beat away from being leader of the free world, especially when the President
will be 72 years old on election day and 80 at the end of two terms.
Fact
#7:
He can keep a secret
Being at the highest level of government requires a person to be able
to keep a secret. We all know that Vitter has been with hookers, but
to him it’s still a secret, “a very serious sin from my
past” as he said. Being a good secret keeper, he has only shared
that shameful secret with God and his wife. He also keeps the secret
of how he can betray his wife with another woman and commit an illegal
act and still be recognized as a leader of the social conservative movement.
Fact
#8:
Wendy Vitter did not cut off Vitter’s penis Lorena Bobbit
style
Back when David and Wendy Vitter were running around telling everyone
that President Clinton should resign for his relationship with Monica
Lewinsky, Wendy publicly said that if David cheated on her, she would
cut off his penis Lorena Bobbit style. She said, “I'm a lot more
like Lorena Bobbitt than Hillary. If he does something like that, I'm
walking away with one thing, and it's not alimony, trust me." Clearly,
Wendy is not a woman of her word, but we’re sure David is.
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